I'm Not Okay

Possible trigger warning: depression

Are you okay?
It's perfectly acceptable if you are not. It's understandable if you can't say it out loud and it's difficult to not hide behind the forced smiles. I get it.

It's that feeling of your light burning out, when you convince yourself that you feel better when all you do is give but refuse to take. Sometimes it's okay to share lengths of your wicks and ignite one another in a brilliant flame of life.

But it's also okay to feel this way. The world may feel like this encapsulated plague of disaster, hideous darkness, and lurking demons of the night that are ready to swallow you hole. The suffocating feeling like you're being dragged to the depths of the ocean, your lungs collapsing, and the surface light can't reach you. Like the very hope that you held on to has been sucked from the crumbling pieces of your soul by this eternal black hole from the stratosphere... I know. And it's okay to acknowledge these feelings of dread and internal turmoil....

What isn't okay is lying to yourself about it. We have somehow come to this unstable relationships with one another through our evolution that we missed a key part of what makes us living beings. Empathy. We convince ourselves that we are just a burden if we so much as muster a whimper to another living being without realizing that most of the time, they get it. That same shadowy lurking demon haunts them too.

We try so desperately to sleep through the days because the night gives no rest and we suck ourselves into this routine of masquerades that we slowly start to forget who we were before all of this started....or even if we remember a normal life without it. It has become no stranger.

We push ourselves so far away we don't see those wanting to help, we convince ourselves they'll give up on us anyway. And with all of the pushing, eventually we leave them with no choice. Too often do we allow the days to drag on and melt into one another as if the weeks, months, and years plastered themselves on the pavement like ice cream on a scolding hot summer day...except it's bitter. The taste of those little joys in life fade. There becomes no receptive memories of good days. The shadow looms over us.

We forget that at any moment we can turn our faces towards another light and slowly, but surely reignite ourselves. This life is the only one we know, and the beauty of it around us turns into this decapitating horror show in a pessimistic sea of doubts. We question everything except where to reach.

The scariest truth is we really aren't alone. Don't divide yourselves anymore. We are capable of magnificent things and sometimes.... All we need is a light.

Please tell me that you are not okay. 
Because I'm not either 

But tomorrow, we can try again, even if things aren't magnificent right away, we can progress. We can accept the small victories. It's okay to feel proud. It's okay to try. Open up more to one another, the power of empathy and love can conquer the shadows that bind us in our cells. 

Sometimes we need to hear those sounds on repeat of reassurance just to drown out the other voices screaming at us to keep us limp in the corner. Over and over again with tears in our eyes because we want to believe the words other's say of encouragement and acceptance. Clinging to every hooked letter of every formed word that reached through us in the darkness, we hear them. Repetitiveness helps fight through our own self abuse.

It's okay.

I want you to feel something, anything at all. Know you are not alone and others are here. It's okay. Take a stand and accept it, but also accept one another. It's okay.


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday 

List of helplines by country: