I'm Not, But I Am (Inspiration)

I'm Not, But I Am (Inspiration)
You know those times when you can pull the words of wisdom seemingly out of no where? It goes to say that at some point in our lives, we pass on advice to another person - whether it be the best way to take out the trash, or something bigger like the best way to make a career change. Too often do I allow myself the passing stance of being or feeling forgotten, as it seems too easy to go unheard.

I go through what I consider "spurts" online, where I feel I can actively participate in conversations and discussions. Of course with online involvement, it seems more trolls show their hairy heads than those with an intellectually connected mind. Though, I still throw out my thoughts and I'll tell you why....

I Am An Inspiration.

It doesn't always seem like it, but even when my thoughts are not heard... they are. Though admittedly, sometimes its off-putting to not have direct acknowledgement or credit for your words, I have learned to accept being that ripple in the water. 

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You're probably asking yourself 'What does this have to do with being an inspiration and how are you not?' Let's dive in shall we? 

I am not an inspiration because I am a college drop out, I couldn't make it. I didn't succeed. I barely even squeezed by high school. I didn't get a good job, I didn't aspire. I became a happy housewife. But in this journey, I continued learning - not only what I did learn during my time in college, but more about myself. I made improvements, became involved where I could with my community, and I grew. I learned I had little patience and I liked things to be done right then and there or else - like the homework - they wouldn't get done. That its hard to cram a lot of information in at one time and be expected to remember it all without applying it daily in your life or that life doesn't necessarily tell you how to fill in the blanks or little circles on a test sheet. You use it, or you lose it. I am an inspiration because I accepted my faults and blossomed where I could and even though to so many I was a failure, I walked away with more than I could imagine. And you wouldn't know it, but I stood up against bullying.

I am not an inspiration because I had a child before marriage and am no longer with the father of my child. We decided against marriage, neither of us saw ourselves wedded, and we had been together for 3 years. We decided a baby would be a blessing and tried. At the time, finances were good, jobs were great, everything was in order. Things don't stay like a fairy-tale for long. People fall out of love and it is to be expected. I was shoved in so many different directions. I am not an inspiration because we decided it wasn't going to work. I "didn't stick it out for our child", we chose for her to not see us fight, to not see two people she loved so dearly be completely miserable together. I'm not an inspiration because I didn't take him from her, we alternated weeks with her, went through periods of depression but we stuck it out. "She will get confused!" they'd say, "What about when she starts school?" they'd cry. I am an inspiration because I put my child's best interests before what everyone else thought was best. Even when at times, I was hurt the most.
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I am not an inspiration because I am not heard. I am uneducated, young, moronic. As I mentioned before, I take part in discussions online, many times in hot-topic issues. Too many times I have seen information that I have provided, thought out words backed by sources, or even direction to find information one is looking for. Troll would reap the benefits and be inclined with harassment and belittling words of bitterness "You're just another 'libtard'", "Foolishly entitled millennial", "You're too young and stupid to understand". Which makes this even more hypocritical when I realize my exact words, my links, my research is then re-posted and used in the same context. Happy to attack the initial messenger, then use their words. However, my point still got across and despite the hell-storm of ignorant trolling brigades, someone heard me. 

Those actions don't end with hot-topic issues, giving information or even correcting misinformation from local news stations - credit is never due nor given, but at least I am heard. I never see responses directly, but I do see the consequence unfold. Inspirational quotes or encouraging words don't get "Likes" on social media or replied comments back. They don't get direct shares - but rather copy-pasted statuses and tweets or pins seem to pop up everywhere. Just like the creator of a meme, you'll never know who originally created it, it just gets shared.
I go through conversations in personally day-to-day life and then, its easier to overlook me. 
Those are times that I couldn't possibly be heard as their voices raise over mine. They don't know I've overcame suicide attempts, even though one person may view me as weak. They wouldn't know I've arranged fundraisers in the area, or did behind the scenes work for other fundraisers. They wouldn't know I've helped the elderly, bought hot chocolate for police officers, helped the homeless, or even know that I was part of several community programs. They wouldn't know I've struggles and overcame, that I fight a mental illness, or that I refused to be a victim of circumstance to rape. 

These are things that don't show up on news segments. These are acts that aren't paraded around or given medals. These are things I usually don't even mention - because why would I need to? There were people each and every single time that saw what I did and it affected them in some way. They didn't need to know my name and most of the times, they surely don't remember my face. But they remember what I did.

Many will tell me I'm wrong, degrade me, downsize my facts like bacon bits. But one thing they will miss out on - is knowing that....

I am an inspiration.